Sometimes…I Miss Being Fat

Hey friends. It’s been ages. Let’s have some coffee (as I obviously am right now) and catch up. This is what is stirring in my head. I am sure I have already offended 20 people by using the word fat, but…well I don’t care. It’s how I would say it in real life to my friends, my husband…and I count you all among friends, so there it is. Sometimes, I really miss being fat. Now before I lose you, you should know that I am beyond thankful for my health, for the transformation my body has been through, for the ability to run and to play with my kids.

If you aren’t familiar with my journey over these last eighteen months, check it out here:

Here’s the part that might strike you as odd. But, for many years of my life…I was the smart one, the one with the pretty face, the one with the personality…have you heard all of these before? If you’ve struggled with your weight, I am sure you have. And truth be told, I felt a lot like I knew who I was at a higher weight. I was the smart one with the good personality…and you know what ~I know how to be her. I know how to make self-deprecating jokes about my weight. I know how to be funny. I know how to work extra hard to get people to look past my appearance. Being thinner…I definitely don’t know how to deal with that. You mean guys look at me? Nope, not used to that. You mean women find me intimidating? Yeah, never experienced that either. It’s all so…so foreign and uncomfortable.

Fat was a security blanket for me. No one noticed me; I was safe to blend into the wall. Now, I’m 33, and people see me. It’s unsettling and uncomfortable. I sometimes want to just blend in. Now, am I saying that this is how everyone feels? Of course not. Some people may not have consciously or subconsciously enjoyed being overweight. I surely never thought I did. And now I’ve spent about six months at or near my goal weight. I’ve dealt with women who didn’t want to be my friend because I was more athletic than she (ha, if she only knew) and I’ve dealt with men (other than my husband) finding me attractive. Yikes.  Frankly, I find myself saying, “I wish I was just fat again,” like a broken record lately.

Losing weight is not just a physical journey. It is emotional, spiritual, mental and sexual as well. Every facet of your life changes. Your budget, your physical appearance, your reactions, your relationship dynamics ~ they all go through shifts, and at times its happening so rapidly that you don’t deal with while going through the process. And as I am here reflecting back over the last eighteen months of this journey, I realize there are definitely places along the way I should’ve asked for help. Reached out to professionals, doctors and friends who are going through it too. Going through the transition of two moves and 100 lbs of weight loss in one year is an awful lot to handle for anyone. I am glad to say that I am now seeing a counselor, have communication going with with my pastor and have reached out to a Weight Loss Surgery Support group here in Killeen, Texas. I just asked some friends to join me in a healthy eating/weight loss challenge as well. However, I wish I had done it sooner. I would like to go back and tell Alicia about six months ago that some counseling would have been a good idea and that it was okay to reach out. This is not a journey to do alone. Which is why I have opened up over the last year and shared this journey for all its ups and downs with you. It may not always be pretty, but you are not alone in the trials you are facing as you work toward your health.

Friends, there are many reasons being overweight could be a security blanket to us. Perhaps abuse caused you to pack on the pounds to keep would be abusers away. Perhaps you had a rocky home life and food was the one constant friend to turn to. Or maybe you cannot remember a time when you weren’t overweight…and you honestly don’t know who you are without all of it on your body. Let me remind you tonight that you are more than your weight, you are more than your fastest time on a run, you are more than a size. You are a beautiful creation and your body is a temple to be treasured and cared for. That ultimately is what it is all about Moms. So grab a partner to journey with, ask for help, admit that its hard…and above all honor the gift you’ve been given as a woman, this beautiful body that may have bore children or arms that may have held a child you’ve taken in as your own. Take care of yourselves moms. You are treasured and needed.

Comments

  1. says

    Thank you for posting this. This is how I have been feeling lately. I knew, or thought I knew, who I was when I was a fat girl. Now that I have lost just over 100 pounds I am having a hard time figuring out who I am. I am trying to also figure out who I am as a thinner wife in my marriage, and my husband is having a hard time figuring out who he is as a thinner husband.

  2. Judi says

    Hi. Pls bear w me, I’m new at sharing my feelings on any kind of “open forum”, don’t do FB, Tweet or any the many, Must Do to be Hip & know what’s going on in my profession, things. W that said, I do & am a bit addicted to Pintetest. There u can keep it simple, or not. Your choice & comfort level. That is how I literally stumbled upon the Best Blog I have ever read.
    I might not share your life long struggle w weight, but trust me. Struggles come in All shapes & sizes. I have had More then my “fair share “. I applied your words to my own situation . I must tell u, they hit home & hit hard. A lot has been said to me, wanted & unwanted advice given & my fave. “God never gives u more then u can handle”. Without bringing up Religon or Politics, He has & I can’t handle any more.
    I’m here to talk about u though . Your writing is so honest, so …put it out there, take it or leave it. It’s your story, your feeling & those can never be wrong. U touched a place few get to know in me. Really just wanted to thank u. That’s me though. I talk. A lot. U r My Hero. My very own, Private, u can’t have her cause I’m being greedy Hero. (U may borrow her, maybe)
    Thank U, for more then u know. And, give yourself some time! Girl, 100 lbs in a YR ??? Yeah. Would think that would take some getting used to.

    • says

      Judi,
      Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve read it and re-read it, and cannot get over how sweet you are. You have encouraged me today, and I so appreciate it. May I just encourage you today, be you. Who cares if it’s hip or what other people expect…Just be you. I’m trying to embrace that journey myself, and I hope you do too!

      Have a blessed and amazing DAY!!!!!

  3. Nicole says

    So I missed this post WAY back in January when you posted it but I obviously needed to read it today. I’ve been struggling BIG TIME with emotional eating…bordering on (if not full blown) chronic overeating/eating disorder issues. I think this post captures my struggle exactly. I lost 60lbs in 2005-2006 and I felt ALL of these things. So much so that I put most of the weight back on in the next few years after that. And by the time I gave birth to Grayson, it was all back on. Right now, I’m about 35-40lbs over my healthy weight and it’s all been emotional and mental to stick to a healthy eating and exercise plan. There have been so many things causing stress and struggles that I’m using food as my escape. I have felt like I miss just being fat and not worrying about any of this stuff. And I think what’s holding me back is fear of getting to this place again of the unwanted attention, the friendship struggles etc because I feel like I’m at my max with everything else that I can’t possibly handle the emotional battle of anything else.

    I’m glad I stumbled on this post :-) Love ya girl and miss you!

  4. says

    Nicole,
    Hey friend! I miss you too! I so understand what you wrote. This journey of health is a rough one. I have often pondered if I could just be “fat and happy” as the saying goes. It sure seems like it would be less work than counting my calories and making time for exercise. However, I am learning (and please note I said LEARNING, because I am far from figuring it out) that for me there is no such thing as fat and happy, because that doesn’t equate with healthy. And, if I am being totally honest, this season I am in with difficulties in my marriage, yet ANOTHER move on the horizon, and changes abounding…I am struggling. Struggling to take care of myself and make time for exercise. Sometimes I do miss the “simplicity” of not working at my health and maintaining my weight. But…truth is, there’s nothing simple about being unhealthy. I have to live. That’s why I started this journey in the first place. To live. And each day, I am trying to do just that. I think as long as we stay real with each other and stop pretending that this is easy, and support one another through the process, we’ll all be a lot better off.
    Love you!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *